Falling Into Grace

It's been a while my last update and honestly, there hasn't been anything interesting in my life to blog about except for the 30-day yoga challenge.  I've spent the last 7 weeks "adjusting" or I should say resisting to being back.  Everyone is probably tired of hearing me say how much I miss being in India and how I hate being back, but that is just the way I feel.  Since I've been back, I've been applying for employment and going through the motions of a normal job hunter that is slightly desperate for a job.  There is a part of me that stresses out about not having a job and going through the financial stress, yet there is other side of me that is content not going to a job that I'm miserable at.  Everyone has their opinion about me not working or being socially irresponsible and until you are in my situation then it's unfair to judge. 

So it's day 5 of the yoga challenge and the past few days have been difficult practicing.  I'm not trying to wuss out, but my sciatica is still bad and I hurt my wrist climbing the other day.  Every Vinyasa and anything that has to do with my left leg is so painful.  I've mastered the lopsided Vinyasa and have been getting through the practice, just not gracefully.  Yet again, when have I ever been graceful about anything.  Last week I was in a yoga class and the teacher was having us do this movement and her comment was for each individual to find their "state of grace".  I began to laugh when I heard that.  The word 'grace' and 'graceful' does not exist in my vocabulary.  Just the other day I was attempting to do a headstand and the moment my legs went up, I knew that I was unstable.  Instead of coming down and readjusting, I tried to adjust my body while upside down.  Well, that didn't work out so well.  When I over rotate, I usually end up crushing my fingers and it hurts like hell.  To avoid crushing my fingers, I roll over to the side or somehow lift and roll my head.  In this situation, since my wrist was in pain, I didn't want to do anything to create more damage.  It happened all too fast and to save my wrist and fingers from pain, I rolled to side and tucked my knees.  I have no explanation for what happened next, but it was so painful that I would of preferred crushing my fingers or hurting my wrist more.  When I rolled to the side and tucked my knees, my right knee came up and my kneecap hit me in the eye.  I had a Bugs Bunny moment and saw stars after the impact.  The following day as I was applying sunscreen on my face, I looked in the mirror and noticed a bruise around my right eye and eyelid.  With that said, next time someone tells me to find my "state of grace" I may actually pay attention and not berate the suggestion.  Still the little kid in me wants to say "ha! to your state of grace". 

Michelle and Tweedledum's Yoga Challenge

For the past month I have been receiving emails about a 30-day yoga challenge to start off the new year. Michelle and I thought it would be a great idea, but instead of waiting till January we decided to start ours sooner and create our own rules. We figured we would be more accountable if we post it here. Here are the parameters of the challenge:

Purpose of the Challenge:
Michelle's purpose is to get stronger and ready for her teacher training coming up in January
Tweedledum's purpose is to relieve boredom and have a challenge

Challenge Requirements:
- 30 days of yoga starting December 14 - January 14 in sickness and in health

- challenger is allowed to miss 2 days of practice within the month, but will have to "double up" (practice twice) on the following day

- self practice is allowed with a minimum of at least an hour and a half. 10 Surya Namaskaras do not count as a full practice

- if challenge is forfeited, at stake is a pair of yoga pants from lululemon

Contract Clause
regardless of injury ie. sciatica, deltoid pain, shoulder pain, tendonitis etc. challenge shall continue. in the event of a kidnapping or death, challenge will be terminated without consequence to challenger

Sit

It's been a while since my last post and since I've been back, I haven't been excited to share any information with anyone.  Today marks 3 weeks being back in the United States.  I finally finished unpacking yesterday, but still slowly putting my room in order.  Last week, I decided to paint my room and also rearrange the furniture.  There wasn't much to rearrange.  The only furniture I have in my room is my bed, a small dresser and a nightstand.  Painting my room is a huge change.  I've been living in the mental hospital mentally for so long and having some color and pictures on the wall makes a huge difference.

As the weeks go by, my resistance to being back is slowly dissipating, but there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I wish I were still in India.  With the holidays coming up, the more reason for me to want to disappear.  For the past few days, my friends have been asking about my plans for Thanksgiving.  I received a few invitations, but with my one hour threshold of commitment, I can't make up my mind.  I'll figure it out when the day comes.

Slowly, I have been transitioning back to my other activities and I'm unsure if it's all the other activities or the weather, but my body has been in pain a lot.  All of the aches and pains I had before I left are back with some friends.  The other day, I had a bad wipeout and my foot and leg hit the fins on my surfboard.  I tried to stay in the water and shake it off, but the pain was so immense and I started bleeding and was at risk of being shark bait.  I was able to paddle in and the lifeguard had to bandage me up and drive me to the car.  The good news is that nothing is broken and I didn't need stitches.  The bad news is that I've been laid out for the past 2 days and everything is irritating me.  My foot is badly bruised and very tender.  I tried practicing yesterday and couldn't do a lot of the asanas.  I guess this is the only way the universe can make me sit still and be me with me.  Ick!

Song of the Day:
"I Hope" by Dixie Chicks

Asis

Today marks my first week back in the United States.  I got more sleep this week than I have been getting in the last 6 months.  Traveling back home was a lot more difficult than I predicted.  The night I left India, I cried on my way to the airport.  The driver was barely 10 minutes outside of Mysore and I was already crying.  The airport is about 3.5 hours from Mysore so it was a very long ride. 

From Mysore I had a red eye flight to Singapore and had 24 hours in Singapore till my flight back to Los Angeles.  I'm not sure if it was from anxiety, but I didn't sleep till I got on the plane to leave Singapore.  From Singapore I had a short layover in Hong Kong, then Hong Kong to San Francisco and from San Francisco to Los Angeles.  I slept a few hours on the plane, but I was mentally and physically exhausted. 

The first few days being back was more of a culture shock than it was being in India.  Everything was familiar and the place was the same, but it felt like time had stopped for me when I got on the plane in August.  All of my friends have moved on and are busy with their lives and here I was lost and trapped 2.5 months back.  When I left for India, I didn't tell very many people and it was the same with my return.  I guess it's just easier for me to deal and ease into things.  I'm horrible at goodbyes and didn't really say goodbye to the people in Mysore.  My last day there I went to practice and left right after.  I spent the day shopping for last minute presents and got henna on my hands which took longer than expected.

One of my friends today asked me how I was doing and my response to him was that it has been emotionally rough.  He asked if I felt any disconnection since I've been back and when he said that everything made sense.  I've spent the past week slightly in a funk and even though I've been catching up with my best friends and family, I still feel blah.  The best way I can describe it is waking up from a coma.  Since I've been gone, life for everyone has moved on.  My life here in the South Bay stopped the moment I got on the plane.  It also doesn't help that the girl subletting my apartment hasn't left.  A few of my friends suggested that I need to get back into my normal routine and slowly things will start falling into place.  The only difficult part about that is that I spent the summer playing and I don't know how much longer the playing can last.  At some point I will need to figure out what my next step in life is going  to be.  I don't need to figure it out right this second, but I am in limbo and hate the gray area.  

Sweetest Goodbye

Today is officially my last day here in India.  I have mixed feelings about leaving and it saddens me to think that this special place is far away from home.  When I was walking to the shala this morning, I took my time and looked around to absorb all of things that I will be missing.  There were a few times during practice that I was overwhelmed with the fact that I am leaving.  Being in Mysore and practicing at the shala is something that I'm incapable of describing.  There is a certain energy that lives in the shala and someone would need to experience it to know it.  I joke and tease that the things that happen in the shala is "magic" and as hokey as that might sound, it's the truth.  During our opening prayer with Saraswathi, I couldn't help but think how fortunate of a person I must be to be standing in front of my mat chanting with this amazing lady.  My practice has changed so much in the short amount of time I've been in India.  I was counting the new asanas I have been given since I've been here and I counted 7, without modifications.  Traditional Mysore practice is not an easy thing; at least for me it isn't.  It's a self motivating practice and requires a lot of focus.  Two things that I lack and need a lot of work on. 

My main purpose for coming to India was to practice at the shala and learn Ashtanga from the source.  What I got out was so much more than just the practice.  For the first time in years, I felt whole and happy.  All of the dysfunction in my life had been stripped away and I was left with nothing, but me.  I spent the last 5 years of my life with someone that had me questioning my self worth and my integrity as a person.  I played a huge part in that dysfunction and made a choice everyday to stay.  Whether it was fear or low self-esteem, I was unhappy for a very long time and stayed.  The irony of this situation is that I am happy here and quite content.  Yet, I am leaving.  Must be another one of life's mysteries that I don't need to figure out right now. 

A. Morissette wrote this song "Thank U" after her pilgrimage to India.  When the song first came out, I thought it was rather silly.  Going through this journey and being able to experience everything I've seen, felt, heard or tasted in the last 2 months, the song makes more sense to me now than it ever did.  So if I could say something to summarize my journey, it would be "thank you Mother India!  I will be back".

Blue Mind

Coming down to the last few days of my journey and I'm still very sad about leaving.  Jonah is going home today and that leaves me with a few days to myself.  I started this journey alone and I will end it alone.  Since it has been decided that I will be going home as scheduled, I'm not looking forward to having to spend an extra day in Singapore.  I would rather do without the stop and go home directly.  I've set myself up that when I arrive LAX I will be among people that I can emotionally breakdown and be okay.  I'm not saying this will happen, but I need to be prepared.  When I went on vacation to New Zealand, I remember coming home and as I opened my front door, I started to cry.  This was about the time my dad had his stroke and the reality I was going home to then was much harsher then the situation now.  My situation now is that I will be homeless for about a week and unemployed.  I know I will be in the right hands soon as I land. 

Practice the past few days has been rough.  India has decided to bless me with two last gifts before I depart: stomach issues and a cold/sinus issues.  The stomach issues are easier to deal with since I have been going through them for the duration of my stay.  The cold is another story.  Every time I leave Mysore I always end up sick.  The neat thing is getting medication here is much easier than home.  I can walk up to any pharmacy and tell them exactly what I want and a packet of pills cost less than $0.25.  This place is every pill head's paradise or nightmare.

Yesterday in class, I was practicing next to someone breathing like they had a smurf up their nose.  I know that sounds mean, but I think it is unfair.  I guess my reaction wouldn't  be as harsh if this person didn't arrive late.  I admit that I was slightly annoyed that I had to move my mat to make room, but the smurf breathing - well that is unforgivable.  For all I know this person could have a sinus problem, but still.  I'm not the best practitioner and every one knows when I enter the room as I have a difficult time being quiet and not tripping over things.  The smurf breathing defies all of my rules of remaining unnoticed. 

As my departure gets closer and closer, I'm noticing that I'm more cranky and a bit aggro.  Aggro only when I am driving the scooter though.  Yesterday while riding the scooter in the city, I had the "right of way" and this guy was going around the round-about and clearly saw me.  I was heading straight, but instead of going around the circle he literally tried to clip my scooter with his motorcycle to run me off the road.  Then this morning I was crossing the intersection and this car sped through the speed bumps to cross before me.  Same thing happens when I am standing in line at the grocery store or post office.  Some people literally come up and stand in front of me so they don't have to wait.  I don't know what it is, but it's rude and the rudeness is getting to me.  People can come up with as many excuses that it's part of the culture, but as a human, culture or no culture, they are still being an ass.  I'm just too nice or too stupid for that matter to speak up and say something.  Every time I run into a situation like this, I always think of one of my closest friends.  She is very nice and sweet, but she is feisty when she needs to be and doesn't back down or puts up with any one's crap.  Sometimes I wish I could carry her in my pocket and take her out when I have to deal with a confrontation.  My goal this week is to not get arrested and burn any bridges.  Since Jonah is leaving tonight, it is probably best if I return the scooter early.  I could just imagine getting the wrath from my sister if something bad happened.

To clarify the statement above because I know my sister will be reading this.  When I was growing up and even now, my sister had to play mom and dad to my brother and I.  It's a daunting task for any person to handle and she has handled it very well.  Not always graceful, but what can you expect from someone that lost her teenage years taking care of a rebellious, smart ass sister and a brother that thinks he can move to Canada and live off of $50.  As I got older, my sister's role has changed more into an actual sister and a friend.  I'm well aware that I can make my own decisions and the consequences will always be mine to handle, but since she is important to me and her opinion does (sometimes) matters, I try not to do stupid things.  With that being said, my niece and nephew look up to me and ending up in an Indian prison would not be good.  Plus hard labor would be detrimental to my delicate hands.        

Ooty, Ooot, Ooot

After Friday morning's practice, Tim, Mitch, Jonah and I took an overnight trip to the town of Ooty.  Ooty was once occupied by the British, just like everything else in India and the town has areas preserved from the British colonial days.  The British used Ooty as a weekend/summer getaway and the town is known for tea and chocolate.    What I didn't know was that the town is a popular hill station and lies 7500 feet above sea level.  We left around 10:30 am and arrived Ooty after 6:00 pm.  I was told it was a 3 hour drive and it was the longest 3 hour drive I've ever been on.  We had to travel through Bandipur National Park and had a few animal sightings so it wasn't all that bad.  I slept the majority of the ride and the 3 boys chatted in the back. 

We arrived Ooty after dark and it was freezing.  No one told me that it was going to be cold and I didn't pack properly.  We find our hotel and the place looked a little creepy.  Not as in our lives were in danger, but more in a sense that we were being watched.  This could just be my imagination or India is turning me into a schizo, but Jonah also made a comment about the hotel being haunted.  The hotel is over a 100 years old and sits above a hill with a magnificent view.  It was decided earlier on that Jonah and I would be sharing rooms.  That would leave Tim and Mitch together.  We go into our designated rooms and as cool as our room was, I felt uncomfortable.  I was trying to hide my paranoia from Jonah and luckily he didn't say anything when I was following him around and had to use the bathroom with the door open.  As luck would have it, Tim and Mitch weren't happy with their room.  The both of them weren't comfortable sleeping in the same bed and our room happened to have two twin beds.  We ended up with their room which was less creepy.

Our plan for the next morning was to take the train to a nearby town on the way to Mysore.  We would then meet the driver at the station, which was close to the bottom of the mountain and head to Mysore from there.  The train ride was great, but when we met the driver he tells us that we have to go back up the windy road back to Ooty.  The train was traveling the opposite direction of Mysore and there was only one road.  I wasn't very happy about this as I got car sick on our way up the mountain the day before.  I couldn't wait to get back to Mysore and we had another 7+ hours in the car.  That was just too much time for me to sit still and think.  My only other option was to sleep, but that was impossible sitting next to two men loaded on caffeine. 

For the amount of time I spent thinking, I came to the conclusion that I've been a bit of a pill the past few days in anticipation of returning home.  People are easily getting on my nerves and I don't have the patience to deal with people trying to sell me things.  What exactly I mean by being a pill is that I stop communicating and would prefer to spend more time alone than usual.  I'm heading back to the territory of the unknown and it is a bit unnerving.  One thing I do have to point out is that this journey that I have embarked on the last two months has been one of the best experiences of my life.  I will never experience anything like this and even if I do come back, the experience will be different.  This trip happened when I needed it most in my life.  I lost so much in the past year and if that is what it took to lead me here, then it was worth it.  If I were to ever go missing, the first place to look would be Mysore.  Home will always be home, but there will always be a huge part of me here.      

Ligers At The Zoo

Yesterday afternoon on your way home from the zoo, Jonah and I took a detour to the other side of town to check out a store that had some possible gifts ideas. I've been to the store once at the beginning of my trip and couldn't quite remember how to get there. On one of the streets we turned on, there was a police barricade and everyone on a motorcycle or scooter was ordered to stop. I had my helmet on this time, so I knew I wasn't being stopped for that. I parked the scooter and figure out that the police were checking for insurance. When we rented the scooter, Jyoti, the scooter owner, said that a copy of the insurance policy would be under the seat. She also said to make a copy of my license and never carry the original because once the police take it away, I might not get it back or will be charged a huge fee. I hand a copy of my license and the insurance policy to the officer and after reading it for a few seconds, he asks for my name as if he couldn't read it on the license. He then proceeds to tell me that the insurance is invalid and that I will need to pay. There were about 20 other people standing around pleading with the officers. Since I was a foreigner and anything I say would be invalid, they expedited my paperwork and took my money. The ticket cost me Rs 500 which is equivalent to about $10. When we rode off, I was livid and couldn't think straight. I was swerving and had problems coordinating with the brake and the accelerator. I was so angry and felt taken advantaged of. The money didn't bother me. It was the fact that the cops here are jerks and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. Unless I want to end up like that guy we saw get caned, the best thing for me to do was to shut my mouth. We ended up finding the store, but at that point, I wasn't in any mood to shop and didn't buy anything.

After the store, we went straight to Jyothi's house. She has valid insurance on the scooter, but forgot to switch out the copy when it expired. Yesterday was the first time in a week and a half that I didn't call United to change my ticket. As annoying as the merchants and beggars can be, at least they are tolerable. The police on the other hand, they are a lost cause. I have a few friends that are in law enforcement and it makes me appreciate them even more. I know that they abide by certain rules and are honest people. Later that evening, Jonah wanted to go grocery shopping and I refused to ride the scooter anywhere in town.

Although my afternoon was ruined, I did have a great time at the zoo. I'm not usually a fan of zoos, but I figured since the animals are treated better than the humans here, it would be worth checking out. The zoo was well kept and the animals, well they were animals. The best part of my experience at the zoo are the signs posted throughout. The signs were so ridiculous that I spent my time taking photos of all the signs I found amusing. I maybe took 5 or 6 photos of animals, but each animal station had some ridiculous sign posted that was much more photo worthy. My favorite one was a warning to not sit or lean on the barricades. If it happens that you fall in, and the animal eats you, it will make the animal sick. If being eaten doesn't kill you, you will be arrested - bleeding and all. Teaching by way of fear must be a cultural thing. None of this stuff flies back home and it may be the reason why I laugh instead of taking the warning seriously. I also wouldn't stick my hand through a cage to pet the pretty tiger; regardless if Siegfried and Roy sleep with them at night.

Beavis & Butthead Do India

Today is another moon day so the shala is closed.  I use to dislike our moon days and thought they were a waste and there was no reason for us not to practice.  These days, I actually look forward to Saturdays and moon days when we have days off.  Practicing 6 days a week has taken a toll on my body.  I can see improvements in my daily practice, but there are days where I want to stay in bed and sleep all day.  India being the lively country that it is, there is no way I would be able to do that.

For our day off yesterday, Jonah, Tim, Mitch and I rented a car and went to the Hassan District.  The Hassan District was once ruled by the Hoysala Empire and was also part of the Mayuran empire.  I don't have a lot of knowledge on the subject, but the significance of the town today, is it's architecture.  We arrived at the capital city of Belur and the city was absolute chaos.  I'm not sure if it was due to the Diwali celebration or if the city is normally in that state.  Belur is a city that I would not be comfortable driving on the scooter.  On two separate occasions, our driver almost hit a car and a guy on a motorcycle.  The main attraction of the city is the Chennakeshava Temple.  I must say that this was one of the nicest temples I've been in and we got there early enough to witness the puja.  The architecture and detail of the temple was amazing.  Inside the temple was a statue of one of the gods.  I would be a bit more descriptive, but I had no idea who it was or the religion that was practiced there.  The statue was over 10 feet tall and during the puja, a priest was standing on a scaffold pouring milk, curd, tumeric and water as part of the ceremony.  I've never witnessed anything like that before and seeing the people have so much adoration for this god was a great experience.  During the puja though, I couldn't help but think how sticky the floors were near the statue. 

After Belur, we had lunch at one of the hotels in the city and decided it was best to skip our second destination.  It was too hot and everyone was tired from the long car ride.  We instead went to Sravanabelagola, which was the town I visited on my birthday.  Walking up the 650 steps to the temple wasn't has hard as I remembered.  Maybe I was just feeling old and crusty on my birthday and any physical activity was going to be trying.  The naked statue wasn't as impressive as the first time, but I was glad that I was in good company and the boys enjoyed the temple.  By the time we made it back down to the car, the sun was beginning to set and we headed home.  In the car, the 3 boys were in the back and I was sitting in the front.  These 3 boys are the chattiest men I have ever been with, which was great for me.  Sometimes, I prefer not to talk and didn't feel any pressure to engage in the conversation.  I slept for the majority of the car ride to Hassan and was drifting in and out of sleep and they would still be talking.  Our ride back, I couldn't sleep and they talked the whole 3 hours back home.  It's funny to think that there is this stereotype of women being more chatty than men, but in this situation, it was the exact opposite.    

When we finally made it back to Mysore, the city sounded like it was being bombed.  The Indians take a lot of pride celebrating their holidays and every other household in Gokulam was experimenting with fireworks.  As a kid the sound of fireworks use to scare me and even as an adult, I prefer to not hear them.  I enjoy the visual aspect, but can do without the sound.  I also had a bad experience playing with fireworks that has not left me.  When I was in middle school, my dad and the step monster moved us to Palmdale.  Palmdale is nothing, but tumbleweeds and crackheads and a place that one could easily find trouble.  Our neighbors at the time were from Mexico and had smuggled fireworks across the border.  They were getting ready to test one of the rocket launchers they had bought and asked if I wanted to help.  We couldn't find anything stable to put the rocket in so we set the rocket in a bottle.  One of the sisters lit the rocket and as she lit the rocket, the bottle fell over.  The rocket was pointing in the direction of a car up the street.  I saw the rocket go off and I was so afraid that it was going to damage the neighbors car, I turned around to run home and ran into their basketball pole.  Needless to say, I didn't get very far and had to stay to deal with the consequences.  So when we got home last night and Jonah wanted to walk around the block, I was a bit hesitant.  We walked past the school and noticed that people were walking in and out of the school yard with bags in their hands.  The local elementary school was selling fireworks in the auditorium.  We saw this and ran home to get some money.  The auditorium was every pyromaniacs dream.  Everything from sparklers to your professional grade was being sold.  We were so excited and bought a few boxes that we deemed were "safe" for us to play with.  I think I've found the solution to the days that I'm feeling blue.  Jonah and I had the best time lighting stuff on fire and it was the best Rs 400 we've spent to date.  This was our way of participating with the culture.  Happy Diwali!!

Only In India

Only in India......

do the cows have the right of way

will you see a camel wearing bell anklets used as entertainment for a birthday party

mannequins are put in dressing rooms to be dressed

are road lanes mere suggestions

honking every 50 feet while driving is a requirement

when a guy asks you if you want to see his snake, it's really a snake

the word 'cum' is used regularly in the vocabulary

are moon days a holiday

pedestrians do not have the right of way and are in more danger of getting run over than the animals

is it polite to belch as loud as possible

are cows and sheep put on leashes and dogs are roaming the streets leash free

is it considered an honor to practice yoga at 4:30 am

can a subtle head shake mean so many different things

is it considered disgusting to use our left hand to pick up food, but it's okay to eat with your dirty right hand

people either drive with no lights or with their brights

do they require you to hike without shoes

are fireworks sold at the local school auditorium